Defining moments...and stuff

I started two Pintrest boards recently, one was called Baby Boy, and the other Baby Girl.  Under their description I wrote: "This is not an announcement, just cute ideas."  I wanted to be sure nobody jumped to any conclusions.  Not that I'm opposed to kids, but...you know...

I'm terrified.

When we moved into a married ward, it didn't take long for people to hint around our timing for having kids.  Nobody down right asks you any more when you want to have kids, but they will casually ask about future goals.  The answer I have stuck with (because it makes people uncomfortable and they therefore do not want to ask any more questions) is the following 'We will have kids when I don't feel like I will burst into tears the second I find out I'm pregnant'.  Yeah...I'm that girl.

The truth is I have been thinking about it since we had been married three months.  Tyler and I have talked about having kids- A LOT!  We want our timing to be the Lord's timing and we have prayed about it, but part of why I am so scared is that I am not sure what kind of mom I will be able to be.   Will I be too soft?  Will I be to mean?  Will I care too much and be all up in their biz-nass?  Will I be so focused on myself and what I want to do that I won't notice them growing up until they are gone?


Each question brings more questions which just makes me feel like I am not ready.

Then last April, the principal at my school asked me to stay after a staff meeting.  For those of you who don't know (or don't keep up with every intimate little detail of my life and keep a journal of your thoughts on my life choices) I teach for an online academy which means- I teach in my p.j.s!  Its great...sometimes, but this whole last year has been really difficult for me.  I miss being in front of students, I miss interacting with kids.  Heck I even miss yelling at classrooms full of unsuspecting wide eyes who thought they could get away with something.  I MISS interaction.  What is interesting is that my principal had been hired as the principal of a new high school in our district, the gifted high school and she wanted me to know that there was a full time, in school position available for a Spanish teacher.

I stopped breathing for a minute.

Its what I had wanted, its something I had longed for, it was something that was great...FOR ME.  But then my mind started racing through all of the conversations that Tyler and I had had about kids.  Being in a building was great, but it wouldn't have supported our choice for me to be home with our future children that we plan on having sometime before I turn 40.  With the online school I can still work full time to support our family while Tyler is still in school AND I can be home with our minions.  I agonized over this decision for about a month.  Externally I had made the decision to not apply, but internally I still thought about the 'what ifs' and the 'wouldn't it be nice ifs'.

I was asked to help with EOC testing (which stands for End of Course in case you didn't know) the next month and lo and behold it was being held at this recently completed high school.  I got my testing all set up and then took a few moments to walk the school.  It was beautiful, it was perfect and brand new and everything you could ever hope for in a work place, but as I walked the hallways of this dream, the thought settled over me until it touched every part of me.  'This isn't what is best for my family.'  And then all desire for me to teach there had vanished.

Then I thought 'Whoa...I just made an adult decision...based on what was best for my future children.'

Creepy.

I'm not saying that I now feel ready for child rearing- I still struggle feeling like I am ready to have children.  But that one intsy-teensy moment helped me feel like something in me would always help me to know what is right, that I would have that 'mom-spidey-sense'. I believe that in each of us there is an inherent capability to do the right thing and I am excited to watch as that capability becomes more apparent to me and more clear in my capacity as a mother.  I hope I will be the type of mom that I want to be, the type of mom that my kids deserve.

But just so we are clear, Tyler will be changing all the diapers.

What if my children look like this????