Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Its cool, I'm totally perfect

When I was single, I had a lot of misconceptions about what married life would bring.  I remember thinking what a catch I was (super humble I know) and thinking that the guys I dated must be morons, because I had everything to offer.  I can remember many a time crying to my mom, my sisters, my best friends, my roommates, and just about anyone else who would listen about how frustrating it was to know that I would be a great wife and not be able to prove it through action....I could go on, but the gist of it is, I was an idiot.

I am by no means a catch.  For so many years I hid behind the fa├žade of 'these boys don't know what they are missing' and used it to avoid doing what I should have been doing all along- fixing myself.  I was, for a long time, a chronic project seeker when it came to dating.  I would seek out men who were great, except for that HUGE elephant they would drag along with them whereever they went.  I would take one look at that elephant and say, 'I cannot wait to dress you up and make you look so attractive and talk myself into thinking that you are the only elephant for me!'  In dating men who needed fixing, I got to ignore the fact that I myself was broken.  It was easier than looking myself in the mirror and saying 'You aren't married because you have so many flaws.' (I am by no means saying that at the first sign of baggage you should throw in the towel because, lets face it, WE ALL HAVE BAGGAGE!)

When Tyler and I had been married for about a month and a half, these flaws started to rear their ugly heads.  Tyler has never said a word, he wouldn't.  He is the type of person who loves without expecting anything in return, but I could tell that if this whole marriage thing was going to work, I needed to do something.  (side note: I have the best husband ever and in my eyes he is perfect in every way)

In the last eight months, I have had to take a long hard look in the mirror and say, 'Okay...its time I do this.'  My flaws are quite simple.  I am selfish.  I have no self control.  I am horrible at creating spiritual habits that will be a strength to my marriage and my family. I tend to blame others when things go wrong instead of looking at myself and seeing the origin of the problem.  I hate to work out and I love to eat.  They aren't things that terrorize the neighborhood, but slowly, surely, the peck away at who I am. 
 

This video brings me so much hope.  We each have been given mountains to climb whether they be personal or mountains that we climb with others.  These mountains can seem so debilitating at times, so impassable that we just want to give up, but through the gospel of Jesus Christ, mountains are overcome, habits are changed, hearts are turned and people are redeemed.

Now I am not suggesting that we must be perfect creatures.  We all know how very impossible that is. I recently read this article about the girl who burned her hair off in the Youtube video that helped me to put all of this self reflection and work in perspective.  It is so easy for us to be so afraid of making a mistake that we fail to be human, but I love what Dr. Flanagan says at the very end

Our cracks are the place our light gets out. The world doesn’t need another perfect person; it needs the light pouring out of every one of your mistakes.
 So while we should do everything we can to climb those mountains, we should always keep in mind that whatever we can't do for ourselves, the Savior makes up the difference.  His sacrifice allows me, as imperfect as I am, to be with Him forever.  I am so grateful to have met a man who is blind to my flaws.  Without Tyler, I sincerely don't know what I would do.  He lets me win when he knows I need it, and he tells me I'm wrong when its important.  He sees me for who I will someday be, and not the mess of a person I am.  His love makes me stronger, and with his help and the help of the Savior, I can climb any mountain.

But don't make me share my Oreos...because that is a flaw I am not willing to give up...